Acceptance

Have you ever seen somebody's heart break?
There is this empty and distant look where the gleam in their eyes used to be and a false smile hiding the lump in their throat threatening to explode into tears at any moment.
I saw it in Liam when we arrived at pre-school the morning i forgot about 'dress up day' and he was the only one not dressed up. Today i saw it again, this time in the Grandmother of a boy who has just started school with Jai.
Aiden, as he happens to be named, has just been diagnosed with Autism. He isnt severe, not that that fact lessons the impact any.. Today when i arrived to pick up Jai, Aiden came bursting through the door into the classroom from the outside area with tears streaming down his little face flapping his hands violantly, with a very angry look on his face he proceeded to the little washroom where he turned on all the taps and splashed his hands down in the trough forcefully for a few seconds and then as the water's obvious calming effect came into play and he just let his hands sit in the trough under the flowing water the anger fading slowly from his expression.
Aidens grandmother followed inside behind him but stopped momentarily at the door to the little bathroom as if to say a prayer she stepped back and looked at the wall then back at me and smiled that false smile you give when you want to pretend you are strong when all you want to do is dissapear into the ground her heart was breaking for her grandson. Part of me wanted to get up and give her a hug and part of me wanted to cry and run away- Aidens little outburst was in no way unique at the EIU and will be long forgotton by the following morning, the reason it stays with me and that the look on his grandmothers face will probably remain etched in my mind forever is that i understand that "defining moment" (to quote Dr Phil) when your whole world collapses and you realise that everything from this day forth will be different. No more planning for college and dreaming of (great)grandchildren. Only right now is a certainty.
These moments that hit me every now and then when Jaiden does something little but undeniably "abnormal". That king hit to the head that is closely followed by the lioness protective instinct of 'keep the hell away from my child' and then that hollow feeling that continues on till the next time. i guess its stages of grief really Denial, Anger, Acceptance...
As my son clings to me crying frantically over his bleeding knee, which is only bleeding because he compulsively picks at it and i know he is only crying because of his new found anxiety over blood. It pains me a great deal that he doesnt realise if he stops picking the blood will stop and that even if he did realise this he probably couldnt stop himself picking anyway.
Numb. Acceptance. Must pick up Liam from school and life goes on.