what could we have done?

As i walk quickly down the corridor, the smell of disinfectant is overpowering and I am deeply aware of the flurocent lights bearing down on me in a somewhat threatening manner.
I don’t want to be here. I had made a promise to myself just two days ago whilst clutching my baby girl tightly as we headed home after 4 days of seeing her attatched to a NG tube and various moniters whilst words like ‘surgical consult’ had been thrown about somewhat carelessly, yes i had decided then that I would actively avoid the place for as long as possible.
I continue down the corridor passing the sterile metal food trolleys lined up next to a door patiently awaiting their turn to be stocked. My heart beats a little faster as I turn right and venture up a vast stairwell, my every move echoing loudly up its cold concrete steps until i reach the top and another long corridor working my way through the maze to the main lobby.
I reach the information desk and give my friends name. I am directed to level 7. Holding my breath as the elevator reaches its destination, i ponder what to say for the 100th time, i don’t think there are any ‘right’ words for this situation, part of me wants to hug her and the other part wants to slap her silly. The elevator doors slide stiffly open and another maze of corridors is waiting for me, i weave my way through to her room and take a deep breath i walk in and peer through the curtain,
There she is slumped face down on the bed sleeping heavily, her eyes have shadows darker than i have ever seen. I mutter her name, no response, i go in and sit on the bed she stirs and looks up at me with a half smile, i opt for the hug over the slap and we make light banter for a few seconds, both of us seeming to be avoiding the obvious topic at hand.
Her mother then comes into the room and smiles to see me, her face pale and worn with worry and grief, i feel awful for her, i can’t begin to imagine how it must feel to see her daughter like this, being a mother myself changes the perspective somewhat.
She had apparently taken several packets of a number of opiates just to make sure the job was done right. Anger spills out of her toward her mother for coming home early and calling the ambulance, just another half an hour – that’s all, then I could have had peace, she says bitterly. The detail of the plan was chilling.
I think the saddest part about this whole situation was that we all knew there was a problem, and there had been for years, we did what we could at the time, but it wasn’t enough.
She had tried to get help, she had tried quite hard to get help, but had been stonewalled every time one psychologist labelling her a hyperchondriac attention seeker. Eventually somewhere along the way she gave up, what’s the point? Nobody will listen anyway, she sank so deep into depression that she became isolated and dissassosiative.
She says she is so tired, so very tired, she doesn’t want to suffer anymore. She can’t understand and wants to know the reason why we find this acceptable in a terminal cancer patient, yet we can’t seem to find it acceptable with her, she says its her body, her decision. She doesn’t want help anymore, she says it’s too late, she just wants to go home so that she can finish the job properly, take the pain away. Her attitude has become sarcastic and numb, she’s not sad anymore, she is way past that.
Depression is such an incredible problem society today, although as a community we are improving our understanding and acceptance of mental illnesses, I am terrified that someone could actively seek help for a period of years and be turned away, having simply given up. Another person failed by the system until suicide seems to them to be their only way out.
The doctors lacking a bed in the correct psychology department were planning to discharge her from the hospital, they actually gave her a card with an appointment scheduled to meet with a hospital psychologist in a weeks time. Luckily her mother put her foot down and for the time being she is still under observation, but I can’t believe that the system has cracks so deep that they would plan to send a suicidal women home to come back in a week for a “chat” with someone.
I don’t know what to do, what to say, in many ways it feels like it’s too late to help her, she has completely made peace with dying and nothing that has been said to encourage her otherwise has even rippled the surface. I just hope that someone can find her the help she needs to recover from this, it’s a long journey ahead one I hope she can be convinced to take.

good WS video i came across....

This is quite good if u havnt already seen it, goes for about 45min though so grab a cuppa....
Williams People

Is honesty always the best policy??

Well, if you honestly want to know if your bum looks big in those pants, Jaiden is the person to ask, no feelings spared just make sure you are prepared for the answer! Sometimes it is rally funny, but there are moments where you wish the ground would open up and swallow you whole, some such moments include:
"scuuuze me?? Why 'dya only got one leg??"
"Are you a pirate??" (to a man wearing a turban)
(a elderly lady walks by with her dog) "Hello, how are you?" - good thank you replies the lady smiling politely to which Jai states rudely "i wasn't talkin' to you i was talkin' to the dog. Im not allowed to talk to strangers!"

i think the worst one was my SIL asked him if she looked fat in her jeans as a joke because of his honest streak (she's slender and gorgeous) to which he replies "no. but she does (pointing at SILs recently aquired mother inlaw who is quite a large lady), she looks really really the fattest in the whole world!!!

sigh....
often he just confuses me one minute he is reading to me fluently the next i am consoling his anxiety brought on by "the lady was staring at me!!" and the lady in question is the photo on the phone book cover...

Wow.

Sophie is growing so fast :)


Ahhh Jaiden.....
I was dropping something off to the front office of the school the other day when a teacher uttered the words i had never in my wildest dreams expected to hear "Your son Jaiden is so intellegent!" she said, to which i admit i faultered for a second then smiled.
Jaiden has always been a child to suddenly "click" with something, usually after a very long period (months or years) of staring at you blankly and not getting it at all.
For some wonderful reason this latest thing he has clicked with is reading.
Jaiden is reading better than any other student in kindy at his school. He learned to read, seemingly without being taught and in the space of about 2 weeks. I dont know how, or why or what brought this on, his teachers are as confused as me but all of a sudden he just started reading out things around him and he is now reading the same level books as his older brother! Its nothing short of a miricle.
His teacher did point out that he often doesnt know what he is reading, remember what he just read or get the context of the story, but those words are coming out of his mouth correctly and quickly.
now hoping for magic maths type understanding to match.
Hey Jai, if you have one apple and get another apple, how many do you have?
"Ummm... One apple, i love apples! can i have an apple?" lol.

Pictures :)

Lachie at the playground

CRASH!!



Jai's First Day of School

Liam at the playground

Sophie 3 weeks old

Sophie 4 weeks old :)

Feed me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is good

Well!
Its been a busy two months! Apologies for my lack of posting, this was due to a computer issue and the 1 week repair time stretched into 8weeks :( i honestly dont know how we survived before the internet was invented!!
I have a beautiful baby GIRL!!! She was born at 2:45am on 10th of March, her name is Sophie Olivia Joy Moritz it took us two weeks to name her Holger wanted Olivia and I wanted Sophie, the Joy is after my wonderful Aunty and if Sophie turns out to be half the women she is then i will be very happy.

Jaiden is well and truley adjusting to school life, he LOVES kindy and has his teacher wrapped around his little finger, he got an award recently for being very friendly to others (LOL). The class has started reading and Jaiden is really keen to learn so we are taking full advantage of this interest and now he knows all his letter sounds :) I couldnt be more proud of how far he has come over the last few years.

I will do a longer update, complete with photos when i have some spare time! just thought i would pop in and say we are still ALIVE!

Together we grow...

Wow, i realised that i have been reading the blogs of many of you for years now.
It astounds me to see the progress our children have made, the progress we are making in adjusting to the world we live in. I have grown so much emotionally over the last few years and i think a great deal of that has come from 'meeting' people like you guys and having a chance to share in your lives. For this i am so very thankful.

LOL just to break up my sombre mood, Jaiden just ran into me all excited holding a lizard he found in the garden... i guess i will have to re-visit the "dont pick up reptiles, spiders, bugs, any animal you may find in the garden " talk for the millionth time this week - oh well, at least its a baby lizard and not a baby brown snake...

For those wondering, my due date is 8th March and im starting to feel a little bit too "full" and am looking forward to having my body back and meeting my baby!!
We have chosen a boys name Zachary and if its a girl we are still undecided, it was always going to be Isabella right from Liams conception, but my sister in law just had a baby girl Isabelle and they have the same last name as us so its not really an option anymore... oh well - back to the drawing board.