Reading the blogs this morning has gotton me thinking, Nancy spoke of the grief associated with old toys and baby clothes that brings back awful memories of infancy and the sense of Loss.
I was thinking that i dont really hold any value to the toys or clothes themselves, i figure this must be because these were not Jaidens to begin with, they were Liams and were passed on to Jaiden then to Lachie so they dont hold specific memories of any one child.
I suddenly realised that i am starting to resent Lachlan. This makes me feel so awful, my beautiful baby boy who is developing perfectly and now speaking so many words, with a gorgeous smile and i can only look at him with sadness. I love him, of course i do but i just cant get excited over his milestones the way i should.
Everyone gets so excited when he uses several words together and demonstrates that he has perfect understanding of everything going on around him, they clap and cheer and all i want to do is cry. Its eating me up that oneday he will casually pass Jaiden cognitivly without even blinking. I try and think, hey he hasnt got a diagnosis at the moment anyway, maybe the light is going to switch on, i will wake up tomorrow morning and everything will be 'normal'.
I also feel guilty for wanting 'normal', if all was 'normal' i would never have had the fulfilling experience of 'meeting'all of these wonderful people in the blogging community, im in some ways so glad that i have had this oppertunity, my eyes are so wide open to the world now. Rollercoaster.

In another note, my Mother in Law had a hip replacement last week and all was going swimmingly, she was discharged from hospital on Saturday and looking good except for some excessive swelling in her leg - they sent her home with blood thinner injections to prevent clots, but she got admitted back to Hospital last night when she woke up and couldnt breathe - All i know at this stage is they are worried she may have a clot and that it or part of it has gone to her lung, or of pnemonia. So fingers crossed it will be the latter and nothing a good dose of antibiotics wont fix.