Limbo

I think i am living on a plateau.
The world passes by my feet without so much as stopping to say hello. The weeks roll past easter rolls past, i go through the motions, but have no particular feelings one way or another about anything much. I find myself enjoying my alone time more and more and having less and less tolerence for pretty much anyone else. I treasure those moments in my car when i am alone and in complete control of everything. I have fantasys of speeding my way through the streets with the police chasing me, and i get something from the knowledge that i can just simply drive into a tree. I wont, but i can. Dont get me wrong, im not suicidel or anything, just looking for some aspect of my life that i can control.
Moments come and go and i make a mental not to add some of these to my auto biography which is destined to stay in my mind forever re surfacing only as fuzzy edged pictures of long lost memories in those few moments before my death.
I spent so much time hell bent on finding a diagnosis for my son that when it all reached its long awaited anti climax i just stopped caring. I have a new found pseudo-acceptence for all things Jaiden, i try to concentrate on the small accomplishments and pretend the rest of life just isnt really happening, i am immune or perhaps simply numb to it, the small but significant differences between him and the rest of the 4yr old population are convieniently ignored and tears are pushed deep back into my throat and i quickly change the subject.
I have become increasingly aware of my habit of befriending other mothers of kids with "problems" the worse the problem the better - i think this is some sort of slighlty disturbing self-medication, it makes my kid look good. I realised this after spending 20min with a regular customer at work one afternoon, having a deep and meaningful about our children which resulted in us both crying and some rather bizarre looks (but no questions) from my boss and some other patrons, and a $4 bird toy sale.
I look at Jai as he sleeps, his large lips hanging slightly open and his puffy cased eyelids tightly shut flickering around in the midst of REM. I wonder what he dreams, i wonder how he feels, what he thinks of his life.
He is probably dreaming of running into the arms of a complete stranger and giving them a quick warning hug about impending doom from the series of redback spiders that seem invade his mind daily. No. He is more of a glass is half full kid, and the sooner i accept its me with the problem, not him, the better for everyone.