D Day.

Today was supposed to be D day. Diagnosis Day. Well in my head anyways. I am one of those people that gets told something will be in 'about a month' and i cling to the day exactly in a month and expect what ever it is to happen either that very day or before it. You can imagine my dissapointment when my due date with Lachie came and went by an entire week!
It just suddenly hit me. Its the 19th of December, as in 6 days until Christmas 8 days until my birthday and 13 days until 2008. Whoa, somebody slow down for a minute and tell me where the hell this year has gone?
I have been so focused on this day for the last 30 days that although i am aware of the impending holiday season i have been living in a fog of either not really caring or just living purely on auto pilot. Every single thing i have done since the 19th of November has been a far away thought, i have been a real Grinch, snapping at the kids, not achieving anything, being ready to cry at any given moment and being totally numb at the same time. It is ridiculous that a number should hold so much meaning to me, really i should be clinging to the word 'About' or nothing at all.
So another "due date" comes and goes, this time not for a long awaited baby, but more a long awaited fate of a baby.
I almost crashed my car twice today - both times my fault and both times because i simply wasnt paying attention. I am so physically worn out i think i could sleep right through Christmas and well into the New Year. But i cant. Its not fair on the children, its not fair on my husband. I am so pre occupied on 'needing' to know, that i cant think about anything else until i do. I know it doesnt change anything, i know it certainly wont change Jaiden, but i cant help it.
I want to start the New Year fresh and with a clear outlook on the future, i want to be able to go to Jaidens new teachers armed with as much information i can be that will help them help my son.
I was listening to him sing his current favourite song "Black bird" by the beatles today and was in awe of how this little boy could sing lyrics with such precision and perfect tone, yet could not always answer questions about his name, gender and age correctly.
I got told off by an grandmother at Liams school concert about letting Jaiden suck his thumb as it would ruin his teeth - i just wanted to scream at her that this was the very LEAST of my worries right now and if all that he needed in his life was braces on his teeth he could suck his thumb till he was 40 for all i care.
When Jaiden removed his thumb and the old women said in a sharp tone "See - look at his teeth, they are already ruined, that damage will take a lot of money to fix!" I just wanted to hit her. Instead i muttered something about his tooth problems being related to something completely different and when a few minutes later i got a death stare complete with hands on hips when Jai fell to the ground sobbing over nothing in particular i just stated bluntly "Look, he has special needs ok. lets leave it at that" and stormed off fuming and wishing i could have just told her to look up WS and call me if she has any questions. I am hopeless at standing up for myself, that is a New Years resolution of mine - if i cant stand up for myself then i need to at least stand up for the kids.