running numb.

I went and saw the family GP today about Jaiden.
I said fairly bluntly that if they couldn’t find a way to get him into see a child Psychologist ASAP they would find themselves having to send me to one as well…
I know that I am pathetic to complain as my troubles with him are so very insignificant compared to the things a lot of you guys have been through, and I feel so guilty about it.
So im sorry, I guess it has just been a really long year for me, I feel like although I have accessed Jaiden all the help I can for now, it seems that I have really only crawled forward a few steps and done a lot of dancing around in circles, and waiting… its ALL about waiting, wait and see if he snaps out of it, wait 18months for speech therapy, wait for the next Pediatrician’s appointment, waiting lists for OT, Psych, Geneticists & School interviews.
I do know that I need to focus more on the things that we have achieved than the things that we are yet to achieve. I do know that repetition seems to be the best way of teaching things to Jaiden; I do know that I really have to learn to be more patient. I am emotionally wrung out, I compare me to a hormonal pregnant woman with my mood swings, lack of patience, and groggy constant feeling that isn’t dissimilar from drunkenness and the absolute exhaustion. Only this time I cannot make excuses about being hormonal, it won’t get better in 9 months and I do have to learn how to cope, because this is life now, nothing is going to change anytime soon and not ever unless I get off my ass and start making it happen.
I know all the theory…

I watched Forrest Gump the other night for the first time in about 10 years, and I cried the whole way through. Last time I saw it I remember being sad at the end but this was a whole new level of sadness, one that suddenly reached into my heart and tore it out, it all seems much to close to home now. All I could think through the movie is that this child could be mine, could be yours, and I pray to have the strength of the mother. Maybe im depressed. I need to get over it, get over it for Jaiden, for all the kids.
God, please just make it stop. Make that feeling of utter hopelessness go away, take away the emotions; I don’t want to feel anymore. It seems like I am stuck on the verge of numb and all I can feel is heightened emotions.
Maybe this is what it feels like to be Jaiden, raw emotions.
Oh God, I just want to be numb. Disappear to a desert island somewhere and never return. I don’t think I like Holland anymore, i want to go back to Italy.
Run Katie, Run.