ramblings

I was thrown off guard when the other day at work i realised for the first time that i am truley an adult. Ok in theory i have been aware of this for sometime now, but in many ways it till hadnt sunk in. In my mind i was still a 15yr old kid, sneaking out the window and running around the streets at midnight with friends, building hideouts in the bush, and singing "sweet home alabama" til 3am at the top of my lungs with accoustic accompaniment on my best mates back verandah...
Fast forward...
I dont quite know what happened to all those years in the middle but suddenly i find myself with a "Mrs" in front of my name a mortgage to pay, bills that pile up and 3 children. My Children.
In some ways, i have succeeded. In Nature, i am a success, i was born and now i have procreated, someday i will die. Thats all that really matters in nature, as far as humans go though it starts to get alot more complicated, perhaps things would have been easier if i were an insect, i could just wrap myself in a cocoon for awhile and emerge a beautiful butterfly, instead in this world when i settle into my cacoon for too long all i can hope to emerge as, is a dusty-one-winged-moth, flayling clumsily around a light bulb dreaming that its the moon.

The realisation that i am infact an adult came in an unlikely place, the staff room at work to be exact, i was settling down to a slightly cold Big Mac and glanced over the papers on the table. I came accross the resume of the newest staff member and almost spat my coke accross the table,

Name: Rhiannon DOB: 1994.

Wha??? 1994?? People born in 1994 are WORKING now?? what is this CHILD SLAVERY???
after a quick calculation i deduced that the girl was 14yrs old and really, she was quite legally allowed to work as a casual. You see i remember 1994 as if it were yesterday. this girl was 6yrs old when i STARTED working at the pet shop. i HAVE a 6yr old child. The time i have been at the shop has flown by so fast i dont know if i blinked. I am STILL at a PET SHOP. Oh My God.
the circle of life was thrown carelessly, rudely and directly infront of me.
I am aging, those care free days are over and there is nothing i can do about it.

When i make a list of the things that have happened around me since the turn of the centuary i am rather shocked by its length, hang on a minute.. What happened to Y2K?
Who'd have thought 9yrs ago that i would be married, own a house, have a child with a "developmental delay", have a child in school, have a toddler, be pregnant.
My life is full of pediatrician appointments, paying bills, therepy appointments, grocery shopping, shoe shopping, cooking, cleaning, reading stories, sick people. The older i get the more sick people i know, cancer, disease, genetic syndromes. I am living an adult life, but surely i am only playing house. In my mind i am still 15yrs old still i will dream of being on the road the wind in my hair touring with the band where the biggest fear is not whether my son will have a fatal heart arrythmia in his sleep, but being caught underage drinking.

I think the other realisation that comes from this is, what next? the next 9yrs are going to be pretty much the same as today, children, school, bills, appointments. Is that all there is? I say to my friend today that in 15yrs the boys will all be driving and then i can trade in the tarago back to a sedan, but as those words escape my lips a sadness leaks into my mind, will Jaiden be driving? Will he always be living at home? Will he get to experience that same independence that i dont doubt Liam and Lachlan will? I push those thoughts deep to the back and try not to think about it. I am lucky, i have a good chance at seeing his development continue to improve, a good chance he will be perfectly'ok'. Many others dont have that chance, and i am greatful for that oppertunity.
Pause for a minute and part of me wonders why the blood collection form sent by the genetics department is lying dormant in my handbag. After the appointment gave me a sense of peace and security i got a phone call on my cell, out of the blue stating that they would like to do a few more tests after all and they would post out the form. They did. I got it. Normally i would have run straight down to the hospital and had his blood drawn in a ray of hope that maybe it would shed some light on the mysteriousness that is Jai. I think im over it. I want to know but i dont, that energy has been zapped from me.
I must go off to bed now, my hand is stinging from the damn burn and typing left handed is a frustrating task. I leave you with an important message:
When you are boiling water and you drop the saucepan lid -DO NOT try to catch the lid with the hand that is still holding the pan of boiling water. It hurts.